CUTTING CONTACT:
I know you don't want to hear this, but the first step is to cut contact. My ex and I carried on hanging out for seven months after our break up and we talked every day. We ended on great terms after we both decided we needed some time to be single, and we were desperate to stay best friends. This meant though, that we could immediately tell when the other person was sleeping with someone, talking to someone or on a date based on a different background in photos, delayed responses and losing the number one best friend spot on Snapchat (don't laugh I was young!). In an attempt to show each other respect, we tried to be honest with each other about everything - who we were dating, sleeping with, messaging - but this meant we both had to face the gut-wrenching pain of being told that the person we love slept with someone after a night out or is talking to someone new. Many a night I cried myself to sleep after receiving texts saying 'I'm with ... tonight, so I won't be able to FaceTime'. Many a morning he woke up to see that I hadn't opened his message from the night before because I was with someone else. Eventually, we ended up lying to each other about who we were with and what we were doing to prevent arguments and tears, and this caused even more problems. We were a toxic couple, but the real toxicity started after we officially broke up.
Being friends with your ex when you are still head over heels in love with each other will never work out. I was in your situation, googling how to get over an ex and ignoring the glaringly obvious 'BLOCK HIM!' headings, willing to do anything except cut off contact and block him from social media. I didn't understand that you can't start the moving-on process if they're still a part of your life. Removing someone from your life and blocking them on social media does not have to be bitter or show defeat, it's an incredibly strong and mature move to make and just ensures your heart can't crumble any more than it already has. You may be on good terms, but that won't stop you from analysing all of their Instagram stories and overthinking every belated response. You need to grieve the relationship as if that person no longer exists. One tip I have is if you don't trust yourself, ask your ex to block you on everything. I never would've blocked my ex as I never wanted to make that initial move to cut him off, and I would just unblock him all the time to see what he was up to. If they block you, you have no choice but to stop seeing their posts - what you don't know can't hurt you.
However, I know it isn't that easy. Making the decision to stop contact with the one you love is near enough impossible. I used to hate when people would tell me I just needed to stop speaking to him because, for me, that was not an option. This person was my whole world and my mental health completely depended on him. He was my best friend! Part of the reason breakups are so hard is because you imagined your whole life with this person, and it's hard to come to terms with the fact that there won't be a future for you guys. We cling to what we know and expect, afraid to break free into the unknown. No one ever wants to take the jump, but to grow and move on to the next chapter of our lives, we have to. Remember, most of the time it isn't the love talking, it is the addiction you have to the toxicity, their presence, and the way they make you feel. You are attached.
I would be a hypocrite to say that you just need to block them because I never did that. After seven months of pain, seven months of getting a pit in my stomach every day, seven months of being fed lies, one day I had enough. I can't explain what made that situation different to all the others, but one day I just stopped caring. The pain was getting tiring. I found out something that I had been denying for months and I just gave up there and then. Your brain knows you need to give up, but sometimes it takes your heart a while to catch up. I didn't cry for days after this, I felt a weight lifted, I could breathe again. Sometimes, it takes holding on a little longer than you should to move on properly as you won't be left wondering what could have been if you hadn't 'given up'. You eventually know full well that nothing is going to change. You'll give up when you're ready and that is perfectly okay.
DENIAL:
So, now you aren't speaking to them anymore (and hopefully have them blocked so you can't stalk the new girl he followed on Instagram!), you can begin to heal. In the days after losing contact with my ex, I felt okay but it was because it hadn't kicked in yet and I kind of assumed things would go back to normal. We always argued, so part of me expected him to come back in a few days. I was in denial. When you have been in a toxic situation with someone, you get used to the constant fighting and blocking and you savour any good times as though those good times make up for all the bad. Your vision is clouded and you don't realise that love shouldn't be this hard. If you find yourself crying over them a lot then I swear to you, they aren't your soulmate. I know that horrible heart-dropping feeling like the back of my hand, that feeling when you find out something you weren't supposed to or they hang up the phone and you aren't sure if they'll ever call back. I was so comfortable in this heartbreaking, toxic cycle that I mistook it for being easy love, especially when the passion came with the pain. When you cut contact and feel alright, it's sometimes because you're in denial that it's finally over.
TEARS:
Soon enough I began to feel constantly anxious. I was perfectly aware that nothing was wrong and that I had nothing to be anxious about, but deep down I always had an awful pit in my stomach that wouldn't go away. The break-up felt wrong and it was making me anxious that I'd been stripped cold turkey from the boy I was addicted to. I cried a lot, I didn't want to get out of bed, and I was getting really irritable around my family who were just trying to help. This was all happening during the first lockdown in April and May 2020, so I couldn't even distract myself with a night out with my friends.
We all know that a break-up isn't the worst thing in the world. I had to remind myself every day that I should be so grateful that losing a toxic ex was my biggest problem, and I felt bad crying about it or talking about it because I knew people who have never been heartbroken would just think I was being dramatic. People honestly don't realise how hard dealing with a broken heart is until they have one themselves. You are going through the stages of grief and it hurts whether you loved each other or not. For me, I knew I wasn't madly in love with my ex anymore but losing him still hurt because I was confused, anxious and unsure of what my life was without him.
DISTRACTIONS:
Having to grovel in my sadness in a small box room was hard at the time, but it really forced me to sit down and face all of my emotions there and then. In the seven months that my ex and I were still in each other's lives in an extremely toxic situation, before the pandemic, I spent my nights getting black-out drunk and going home with different boys from the club. I can't tell you the amount of times I have cried in the toilet whilst a boy was in my bed because no one seemed to be him. Even going on dates with boys made me feel worse because I didn't like any of them, and I ended up romanticising my ex because he was the only one that I'd ever had those feelings for and who knew me like the back of his hand. It was hard to learn that the only reason I am romanticising my ex is because the toxicity of loving someone I wasn't with was kind of addictive and reignited the spark that had been long gone whilst we were together. Don't panic if you aren't connecting with anyone new - remember that someone you have been on one date with obviously won't know you the way your ex does. Stop thinking that your ex could be your soulmate just because you went on a few dates with other people and weren't keen. It's okay if you feel attacked, I do too!
My advice is to spend some time sitting in your room grieving the relationship. If you never allow yourself to hit rock bottom then you'll never be able to be sky high. After a while of tear-stained pillowcases and barely eating, meet up with some friends! Have a sleepover, go to the park, go to dinner. Hang out with people that you feel comfortable ranting to and who allows you to feel heard, these are the friends that will be your saviours through your break up. Never feel like a burden for talking about your ex or your heartbreak too much, you are absolutely entitled to - surround yourself with people who want to listen and help. Your friends will help you come back to reality and help you realise that you aren't alone in how you feel. Maybe they have been through something similar, or know someone who has. But either way, speaking to people who can make you feel normal and have hope for the future really helps. One thing that I think would've really helped me would have been a girly sleepover with lots of food, happy movies and writing pros and cons lists about my ex with my best friends. We could've laughed about some of his negative traits whilst they reminded me of all the reasons we were not a good couple, and there's nothing girls do better than hyping their best friends up after a boy has broken their heart. Your friends will show you love and prove to you that there isn't an empty space in your life now that your ex has gone, your heart will continue to be filled with all the love your friends and family give you.
When you go on nights out, try to go with people you feel really happy around. I found that when I was going on nights out with random people from uni that I wasn't quite myself around, I was looking to find enjoyment in getting way too drunk and going home with a boy. This was a negative distraction, as if I didn't pull anyone I felt not only bored, but unwanted and depressed. This led me to romanticise my ex and what it felt like to be in a relationship. When I was on nights out with my good friends having a laugh, however, I had a lot of fun and was genuinely distracted in a good way. I didn't feel like I needed to go home with a boy to make the night worthwhile. My top tip is to avoid using boys as distractions as nine times out of ten, you'll feel worse.
HEALING:
Soon you'll begin to have more of a spring in your step. You'll be hanging out with friends for fun rather than for a distraction, you'll be thinking about it less and less, and you'll be getting back into things you felt too down to do. I'm not saying you won't think about your ex every day, you probably will, but it won't feel like your heart is being crushed into a million pieces whenever you picture his face anymore. You'll begin to think more rationally about why the break-up was a good thing, and you'll begin to remember what single life was like without being in pain. This might be the point where listening to sad break-up songs is kind of fun! You might also take this time to listen to happy break-up songs, songs you couldn't relate to until now (Exhibit A - Little Mix's ICONIC Shoutout to My Ex).
MISSING THEM:
Don't feel disheartened if the pain comes and goes. For me, I often felt perfectly fine during the day but whenever I'd been on the Echo Falls I was in puddles of tears. My poor friends had to comfort me outside bars last summer more times than I care to admit, telling me all the things they've told me a million times. It became really embarrassing that after months I still wasn't over it! I was so frustrated and angry with myself for ruining every night crying about my stupid ex that probably hadn't thought of me in months. Be careful with drinking, and be aware that you are genuinely fine without them, it's just the alcohol talking! Even sober, sometimes I'd be watching a film that reminded me of him and everything would come flooding back. Once, I was out with my family and saw a pair of shoes in the shop window that he used to wear and I had to run to the toilets crying my eyes out. Some days really were better than others.
It is absolutely normal to miss them sometimes, especially when it's been long enough that you're almost forgetting why you broke up. You're wondering if he's changed these past few months, if he's moved on or if he misses you. You muster up a long paragraph on your notes app to text him, only to leave it there unsent. You check his Spotify to see if he's been listening to any of the songs you know remind him of you. This is a whole phase in itself that can feel like you're taking a step back but in reality, this is one of the stages of moving on. In this phase, remember that you don't miss him, you are happier and more at peace without him. You miss having someone, you miss having a boyfriend. Missing having a boyfriend does not mean missing your ex-boyfriend, it means missing having someone there all the time. Being single can feel quite lonely, but after you've healed you'll enjoy the alone time rather than seeing it as a time to miss your ex.
MAKING CHANGES:
I cut off contact in April 2020, and I spent the entire summer going through all the stages of heartbreak and healing. I was lucky though in that I was going to University in September, far away from him. I was able to have a fresh start with all new people and places. Being in the same town as your ex is hard because everywhere reminds you of them, or you're always wondering if they will be wherever you are. That whole summer I wondered if I would see him in Spoons, in town, at Tesco, literally everywhere. I thankfully never did see him, but I know that would've halted the moving-on process drastically. If you're going through a break-up, try your best to make a fresh start. Not everyone can pack their bags and move to the other side of the country like I could, but even just re-doing your bedroom, dying your hair and making new friends can really help. When everything in your life is the same as when you had your ex, it feels like he is the missing puzzle piece and nothing is right and normal without him. By making changes wherever you can for the rest of your life, it reminds you that everything is constantly changing and it's a good thing!
EGO:
By the time September 2020 arrived, I had more or less moved on. 95% moved on, I was telling people. I knew I was over him and our relationship, but the way I saw it was that I'd never know if I had truly moved on until I saw him out somewhere or spoke to him. I worried that the minute I saw him in the flesh would be the minute all the progress I'd made over summer would shatter to the ground. I used to fantasise about bumping into him, imagining our conversation consisting of him declaring his love for me and pleading for me back. I thought that surely over the space of five months, he would be different, and maybe he was missing me. However, I was feeling this way because my ego had been bruised - he never came back. I wasn't hoping he missed me because I wanted him back and I wasn't hoping to bump into him in town to tell him I still loved him, I just wanted to know that he felt he made a mistake. I wanted to be the 'hot' ex that he could never move on from, I wanted him to see me out and fall head over heels back in love with me. I realised that this was perfectly normal, and many other people who have been over their ex for years still secretly want an 'I miss you' text to come their way. At this point in the healing process, you're probably manifesting that they have a dream about you or text you, and this is perfectly normal. But, maybe give up on that 3-2-1 method and start doing something more worthwhile.
RELAPSE:
After going to University, I kind of fell back into a phase of grieving the relationship. Throughout the summer it helped me to get over the break up by imagining all of the boys I was going to meet when I moved to uni, so when I got there and didn't meet anyone, I felt quite disheartened. I know now that it was because we were in lockdown, and I was only confined to the boys in my accommodation, it wasn't anything to do with me being undesirable. It led me to fall back into toxic thoughts about how my ex was the only person who would ever love me and I'd thrown it all away. It had been six months since I had any contact with him at this point, and after one drunken night, I gave him a call. He answered, confused and concerned, but we spoke for hours and hours. I honestly don't remember much of the conversation due to my drunken state, but I remember it felt so familiar talking to him. It felt familiar in the sense that we still knew everything about each other and only had to fill in the gaps of the past six months. It felt like talking to an old friend, but it was hard to ignore all of the obvious differences. I'd made all new friends and had a whole new sense of humour. I'd changed so much as a person and speaking to him just reminded me of the person I used to be. As we were talking, I realised all the things that I didn't like about him were still very much present. I didn't love him, I was dependent on him like a drug and this was my relapse. With the happiness I felt to be speaking to him again also came the anxiety he triggered within me. On this phone call, after having been cold turkey for six months, it was strange... but I didn't want to go back to that. We decided at the end of the call that we would be civil, so we followed each other back on Instagram and I was so happy.
BEING 'CIVIL':
In the few days following the phone call, I felt very confused. I found myself posting on Instagram hoping he would like it and I was constantly checking to see if he'd seen my Instagram story. I knew immediately that I had taken a step back, and that I wasn't quite ready to follow him on Instagram yet. What I realised is you don't ever have to be ready to be civil or friends with an ex. Those jumpy feelings you feel in your stomach when you see your ex post a story aren't you not being over him, it's the natural trauma you feel from the break-up. His name is a trigger to you, and that is absolutely normal. I don't imagine ever following my ex back on any social media accounts just because I have no desire to see his name pop up on my screen - I don't want to be brought back to any bad times.
I made the mistake of texting him the next day in my state of confusion, asking if maybe we could have another phone conversation seeing as I couldn't remember much from the night before. He shut me down, knowing where things would lead if we had another conversation and he was absolutely right. This was definitely a weird blip in the process of moving on, but I genuinely think that was what pushed me from 95% over him to 100%. The phone conversation just reminded me of all the awful things I used to feel when we were in each other's lives, and I realised nothing had changed. Sometimes what seems like a step back is actually a step forward.
MOVING ON:
At this point, I knew there was one final thing left to do before I could say I was without a doubt over him, and that was to have a crush on somebody else. Since my ex and I parted ways, we had been in a lockdown and so I hadn't fancied a single person. I had met up with a few boys when lockdown was easing over the summer but nothing felt right. By the end of the year though, I knew I was ready to meet someone new. I didn't want to fall in love or anything, but I wanted to know that it was physically possible for me to have a crush on somebody else. I wanted to catch feelings and have a bit of fun, without getting my heart broken. In January of this year, I got exactly that - I had caught feelings for someone! It wasn't anything serious and I knew it would end, but It was a big enough crush that I knew I could have feelings for other boys and I was ecstatic. This was the point where I knew for a fact I was 100% over my ex because I didn't even want things to go anywhere with my crush, I was just happy to know my heart could feel things again. I realise now that all those nights I thought I missed him, I was just lonely. What I'm trying to say is that I promise you will fall in love again. I've still not fallen in love again, but I know I will and that my heart has the capacity for it. Trust the universe and believe that someone will get placed into your life when the time is right, and you will fall head over heels - your ex is NOT the one (no matter how many TikToks you see saying that you and someone with his initials are twin flames).
FREE FROM THE SHACKLES!:
It is now April 2021, a whole year since my ex and I went our separate ways. I have never been quite able to say that I had completely moved on, I always felt like there was 1% of me that could never. Now though, as I'm in my University room avoiding looming essay deadlines by writing this, I can honestly say I have healed and moved on. I rarely think about him anymore, and when I do it's when I'm remembering all the pain I used to be in and realising how happy I am now. Every now and then when I post a really nice photo on Instagram I secretly hope he sees it and misses me, but again that is me wanting an ego boost. If he ever tried to crawl back into my life I wouldn't even reply, and that's something I couldn't say for certain a few months ago. The bottom line is that moving on takes time. I remember five months into the healing process I wished there was some kind of pill I could take to remove him from my memory and to get rid of that awful sadness. I prayed and prayed that I would move on, and with time, I did. Never give up, no matter how long it's been. I know people who got over their ex in a matter of weeks, and I took about a year. I have never been happier and more content with myself! I'm happy when I'm alone, I'm happy when I'm not talking to any boys and I'm happy when I'm drunk. I'm so excited for the most incredible 'Hot Girl Summer', where I can have fun on nights out without ending up crying in the toilets.
I hope that by reading about my struggle with heartbreak you can begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that reading this showed you that healing isn't linear, and there will be points where you feel back at square one and that is normal. You will get better, you will move on and you will be happy, no matter how long it takes. Now, let's get ready for JUNE 21ST BABY!
[THREE YEARS LATER]
I rediscovered this story yesterday as I was sitting in the bedroom of the childhood home I moved back into after graduating uni. It is a very miserable and rainy February in 2024, and I felt it necessary to update the story from the perspective of an almost 23 year old woman who's life has changed a lot since the time of writing. I have seen this ex since writing, once on a night out in Spring of 2023. He had a girlfriend at the time, and it was the most wholesome and platonic meeting I could've ever imagined. We spoke everything out, apologised for everything and had a really sweet catchup, something I never thought possible. Since then, we have remained friends. I never thought it possible to be friends with an ex with genuinely no feelings involved until now, but we had three years to completely move on from the situation. Even when he and his girlfriend broke up, I didn't see it as a time for us to rediscover our old connection - there just isn't one anymore. And realising that there is no connection, we aren't compatible and we don't have much in common has been one of the most amazing realisations I have ever had. It has proven to me that I successfully moved on, and even faced with him back in my life I didn't want anything with him. Time heals almost anything, and this is what I want you all to take away from this.
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